159 Friends

159 friends on facebook and I feel absolutely alone.  Why do I let these sort of things happen?  Why can't I just be single. I just want it all to stop.

Today's Events

Today has been very eventful.  First off it was my friend Trent and his fiance Melissa's wedding. Which, by the way, was beautiful.  My gift to them was me helping out with their food.  Their families wanted to just relax and have fun and not have to worry about anything and I stepped up and agreed to help.  Can't lie, weddings depress me.  After my divorce I started avoiding my friends weddings, made up excuses, but with Trent's I couldn't not go.  He is like a little brother to me and I am glad that he has found someone to be with the rest of his life.  It saddens me when I go to weddings because I had that love and don't anymore.  Everything was turned upside down and here I am single.  I like being single for the most part, but want to live and love and not have to worry about tomorrow, or the day after.  I want to have someone who I can share every day with and not have to wonder what tomorrow will bring...I guess the hard part is finding someone life that.  In due time I suppose. Until then...adieu my friends.

Forever Waiting:
*M*

A Thousand Years

I found this song and have decided that when I get married again this is the song that is going to be our first dance :-D I fell in love with it immediately. You'll understand once you listen to it!

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed that I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00&feature=colike

Halloween

What an awesome day....ish.  It's been one of those days where I haven't felt well, so in turn I've been off. My mind has been everywhere and anywhere :D Life seems like it's going to look up today :D  I'm watching Syfy's Ghost Hunters Live Halloween show :D Awesome eh?

Watch "Joan Blondell: "Remember My Forgotten Man" with Etta Moten" on YouTube

A new outlook on life. ☂

I've come to realize my faults.  I know that I'm shy and reserved in person, but let me unleash online my true feelings come out.  Life seemed so dull and boring until I did that photo shoot of my friend.  He is very photogenic so that helped, but at the same time, just being able to be out with a camera, telling someone what to do, where to pose, made me feel powerful.  Until recently I thought that all I would ever be is someone who was pushed to the side. I definitely felt that way.  Everyone that I knew sort of pushed me to the back burner, at least until recently.  This new found love that I've found from people makes me want to jump for joy. Thus far, life seemed dreary and now, now i feel new, alive, thriving.  I think Im going to go with my original plan, finish what I can at Ivy Tech then transfer to IPFW.  That way I'm not moving away.  This is where my family is. This is where my friends are.  Why leave and force myself to find new ties when I have bonds here that with a little work can be strengthened?  All day I've had the word epiphany stuck in my head.  Not sure why.  Then it came to me....almost like an epiphany...I am an epiphany of passion.  I know what I want, it's just a matter of finding it now.  Love and Life can only hold me back so long.  It's my turn to start pushing back.

This is where my mind steps out of it's box and finds its way into this new realm of reality.  I know what I need, I know how to get it, not it's time for me to go out and get it.  :D

*M*

Falling...or is it failing?

well this sucks...just when i thought i found someone who may actually like me for me ... he tells me no. turns me down. maybe me moving away is a good idea...far far away...this town sucks the life out of me more and more each day and i cant be happy here anymore...

Ashes to Ashes..

I've come to the conclusion that some things need to end.  I've been doing well with breaking myself of the pop...now the rest of my bad habits...which really are not that many.  I also am about to get back on track.  Life will be awesome from here on out!

*M*

Love?

My body screams at me.
My heart races.
I look towards the sky and see the clouds part and the rain fall. 
I begin to dance, play and jump. The rain calms my weary soul. 
Gives me life and peace.
Then the clouds dissipate, yet the rain still falls. 
The sun flicker and flashes, creating a rainbow.
The rain and the rainbow dance together well. 
The beauty is over welming and I begin to weep. 
The tears flow violently as I dance with the rain and rainbow in time.
I can only wish for such a beauty and to be able to experience it is even more amazing. 
I lay in the grass letting the rain wash away the tears and let the rainbow warm my heart. 
My frozen soul thaws and I love again.

My Life

I was going through files on my computer finding things that I didn't need anymore and getting rid of them.  In the process I found a file entitled Poetry.  I didn't remember putting this one on my computer and when I started reading through it I realized that this was poetry that I had written when I was in High School and such. I've decided to post them on here for you enjoyment =-]

You and I

Megan Millhouse

You and I are different in our own ways

Sometimes our uniqueness really pays

Someday after school ends

We’ll all go our own way at the road’s bend

We all won’t be everyone’s first pick,

But we’re all united because we’re the class of 2006.

Live your life, dream your dreams, and listen to your heart,

We’re all like a fine piece of art.

We will reunited once again

Some of us will live the life of fame.

While others just relax and just live the gypsy life

Some will be the house wife.

In the end always just remember:

Party hardy, friends forever

Dance all night, we’ll be together

Girls like guys, and dudes like chicks

We are the class of 2006!

A Thousand

Megan Millhouse

If I could die a thousand deaths,

I would sleep eternally.

If I could cry a thousand tears,

I would be dry and tired.

If I could scream a thousand screams,

I would have no voice at all.

If I could cut a thousand cuts,

I would lie and bleed.

If I could lie a thousand lies,

I would live a life of hypocrisy

If I could live a thousand lives,

I would always pick mine.

If I could fly a thousand flights,

I would become a bird.

If I could,

If I would,

Would I really in the end?

Thousands and thousands

I’ll live and die

If I could…

A thousand…

Would I really?

The Domino Effect

She kept her hand steady as she set each in its place on the black top of a playground. She knew with each small move she could either place the domino safely or ruin the masterpiece she was creating. “Steady” she repeated in her head as the domino pieces made curves, and lives and waves in every direction. “17 more dominoes and I’m finally finished” She thought. With every domino she made a face. When she was finished she backed up a little and looked in dismay. Something was missing, something just wasn’t right. With a piece of white chalk she began to write. She wrote and erased and wrote and erased. Finally she knew exactly what it needed. She wrote with great care. She formed each letter with so much detail. In the end the sun was kissing the sky with watercolors right before the milkyway rose. She smiled and stood and turned to walk away, turned back and gracefully, with her index finger, pushed one domino over. She skipped off to her house. Once inside she stood in a window on the second floor smiling. She read aloud “Jesus loves you”. It’s what she decided was missing. Now you ask what the dominos showed. Well, just look below…

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_____         _____
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Will This Never End?

Swallowed by fears

Drowned by tears

Will this never end?

Cuts so deep

The pain will keep

Will this never end?

The colors turn dull

I am hit by the bull

Will this never end?

I scream but no one can hear

I am standing on the edge of the pier

Will this never end?

I wish to live a better life,

But I have had too many encounters with a knife

Will this never end?

Somewhere at the roads bend,

I pray it all will mend.

Will this never end?

Nothing

I’m really not here you just think I am.

I really don’t exist.

I’m just a figment of your imagination.

Someone or something you could have never imagined ever existed.

I’m the problems in your life that you can never get rid of.

I’m the worries that keep you up late wondering about.

No matter what you try to do you’ll never get rid of me.

No matter what you do, I’ll never leave.

Never.

I’m the sorrow in your heart.

I’m the things that make you cry.

I’m the things that make you scream.

I’m the fears you hide from.

I’m the things that make you shudder.

As I said before, I’m really not here; I do not exist.

You just think I do.

This is where I end my thoughts.

Maybe you’ll figure out I’m not ally here.

I’m nothing at all.

Darkness filled the air around me

I have nowhere to go

Pressure from friends to drink and do drugs

I feel my head’s going to blow.

No matter the pressure

I will not drink or do drugs

But my life is so hard

And I have no one to turn to.

I’m exhausted from running from my problems

I have nowhere to go.

My temples throb from weary eyes which need to cry, but I must stand strong; everyone is watching.

When the tears gently fall to the ground, on the soil where many have died, you remember the grief in others lives.

When you look towards the sky, praying for forgiveness, you remember the fears in your friend’s lives.

When you sing praises until Jesus Christ you remember the tears you and many people cried.

How many people who died on that day were right with the Lord?

How many weren’t?

Many buildings were ruined that day and vanished from the earth forever.

And people rejoice because people try to ruin our life?!

How can people do things of such disrespect?

Why do they do this?

Why don’t they care?

Who does?

She

She closes her eyes to her imperfections.

But even if blind she sees them.

She’s all alone and no one sees her tears.

She cries her lonesome tears

She worries her lonesome fears

She wonders what it would be life if she wasn’t perfect in their eyes.

She looks at herself in the mirror

Yet only sees pain and flaws

She doesn’t are anymore

The pain is taking over

She cries her lonesome tears

She worries her lonesome fears

She wonders what it would be life if she wasn’t even here.

She screams loud and long

She knows no one hears her

She thinks there’s no way

So she ends her pain

She use to cry because she wasn’t perfect

She use to scream from the pain

She knew the damage the razors would cause

But she doesn’t care

…anymore…

Normal

We all cry the same tears

Talk the same talk

So what’s so different about us?

You are popular

You are goth

You are a loner

You’re everything I’m not

Is that why we are so different?

We are all humans on this planet

See we are all the same in the end.

Just others are a little more unique and free we all smile

We all laugh

We all cry

We all die

So why do we act so different?

Why can’t we get along?

Why can’t you see past the differences?

And actually see

We’re all

NORMAL

The Edge

I am standing on the edge counting my thoughts,

Tears dry upon my damp face.

The salty sea crashing upon the rocks about me makes my knees weak,

And pricks my skin like thousands of needles.

I step closer to the edge to look upon my death.

The jagged rocks look appealing.

I spread my arms out wide and forget the pain around me.

I fall into the rocks of pity and despair.

I leave the pain behind only to begin another life of more pain.

And more chaos.

For eternity forevermore.

A Lonesome, Yet Perfect, Tear

Bright eyes and sparkling smile

No tears in sight

She looks so perfect

No flaw can be seen

But wait, what is this?

A lonesome, yet perfect, tear.

She smiles to hide it

With excuse “I have something in my eye.”

I see the pain within her eyes

And the sparkling smile is dull

Instead of the perfect person she used to be

She’s really not that perfect at all.

Every night her tears flow siwfitly

She wonders why she’s loved.

She knows what they think

But doesn’t care anymore

She cries another

Lonesome, yet perfect, tear

Then another and another

The cameras watch it all

She lives a life of despair and lies

She hides her face and runs away

She doesn’t even know why

So many tears fall that night

And finally everyone realizes

She’s not perfect

Another lonesome, yet perfect tear falls with pain

She doesn’t care and gives it all up right here

She sheds one last lonesome tear

This time isn’t perfect.

Dreamland

Starry skies; just like in a mother’s lullaby,

Only in my dreamland.

The child’s eyes weigh heavy-falling into dreams,

Only in my dreamland.

Impossible things are possible,

Only in my dreamland.

Beauty can be found in my mind,

Only in my dreamland.

Visions and prayers played in time,

Only in my dreamland.

No one sees until they sleep,

Only in my dreamland.

Their dreams hold their fates,

Only in my dreamland.

I can cry away my fears,

Only in my dreamland.

Only in my dreamland can I dare to dream

Only,

Only,

Only in my dreamland.

I Don’t Know

Jesus loves me, yea I know

That Bible there tells me so

I’ve heard his love and read it too,

But I really don’t know what to do.

Should I sing?

Should I cry?

Should I shout, or sit or die?

God is there, I know that too

I feel His presence upon me.

I’ve heard His love and read it too,

But I really don’t know what to do.

Should I praise?

Should I love?

Should I care, or frown or smile?

The Holy Spirit comes upon me

I had it once before.

I’ve heard his love and read it too,

But I really don’t know what to do.

Should I pray?

Should I forgive?

Should I wonder, or feel or give?

I have friends I know that too.

They’ve always been here for me.

I’ve heard their love and read it too,

But I really don’t know what to do.

I know they’re there.

But I can’t feel anymore

I’m confused and alone

And forgotten and abused

Now what should I do?

My heart it throbs from the pain of love, yet there isn’t anything I can do. My love for him is far greater than any and pain can only describe it. He’s seen me at my worst and he’s seen me at my best He has even seen my tears and wished me the very best. But that was all nine months ago before the fights began, before he stopped trusting me, before he hid his hand. He still tells me that he loves me so, but it doesn’t show. He think that I don’t even care I’ve taken all the paths of this dark and lonely maze and the only way out is through that gate I don’t want to pass, but the only way to resolve this pain is to run far away. with or without love behind me I must hide from this pain. He doesn’t act as though he knows that my pain is deep within and with each argument I fall closer to the ledge and soon I’ll fall over and cry and never come back again, but he doesn’t see how depressed I’ve become, he thinks I’m as happy as I could be. He thinks that all I think about is me but I don’t all I think about his him. These are the words I’d never say to him. I have to have romance in my heart again. Love isn’t about what he’s giving me right now. He thinks that love is what he gives but love is what he’s already given. When we use to make love there was a passion to it there was a love to it and now he does it to stop our arguments. That hurts. I feel like I’m worthless and I feel like I’m death. Its always my fault that they leave me. Because I’m worthless and stupid and have no life. But instead of showing that I’m wrong I sit and cry all night. I cry until the dawn and then I cry some more. My new diet is tears and nothing more. I’ll cry and cry and nothing more. Food isn’t help it doesn’t do anything for me, I’ll cry and lose weight and feel completely lost instead of free. I’ll fall into depression and cry that last tear and from a broken heart I’ll fall never to return again. Its not like I’d be noticed if gone, no one would care and even if everything went wrong. He said that I don’t care and he said that I don’t know. But why cant I tell him what I really feel? Because I know he’ll leave me plane on the nose right there. I feel like my life is crushed and I’m only 18 years old. I’ve fallen down a path so bitter and cold, that all that happens is I get old. And now its time for me to end this long and bitter speech, and now he’ll call me and say that I always blame him for what is wrong. Yet I don’t, I say I do but inside I know that my pain is all my fault…and now that I’m crying all alone I’ve been left here in the dark…

Give me away

Give me a razor and some ice, and I'll carve my pain away

Give me a gun and I'll let the wind blow me away.

Give me a toilet and I'll throw it all away.

Give me a car and I'l drive it far away.

Give me water and I'll breathe it in deep.

Give me pain, I'll give you joy.

Leave me to rot like the uneaten apple

Leave me to die.

Love has abandoned me...

life

life without love isnt life at all its an empty void of space that only hell can prevail over...it [life] is jsut a pit that we dig to keep from falling deeper, even though we do. But soon the walls of our pit start to cave in and we are trapped from the light and we are left to rot and wallow in our pain and despair. The pain that is felt in side the heart isnt love its torture, and the love that may be felt isnt love its a heart but not a normal heart, it is a heart that has be pierced with a sword of ice frozen for eternity. Only true love may break its binds but until then sleep beacons the sweet heart's presence...and yet again she is left alone to cry.

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You're My Angel <3

This is where

Here is where my mind wanders. Here is where my heart flies. I want to soar above it all and create a dream. Life is bold and life is short. Live it to the fullest. 

Monsters

Lost inside my own sanity I cry. These monsters fight to take surface.

I suppress them, forcing them to hide within me soul. 

Lost inside my own heart I cry.

These demons teach me to react different every day, and every night. 

I want to smile, love and laugh but all that happens is I fail and fall. Won't life give my heart a break? 

Liquid Courage 

Swallow fast 

Swallow deep

Every drink with the beat.

Sway here 

Sway there

Scream that you just don't care

Drink up love

Time dies soon

Now you're one step closer to your own doom

Hide yourself

Keep you safe

Tomorrow my be too late

Fall asleep

Forget yourself

And live the cards your life has dealt.

Chaos

Life of turmoil

Life of regrets

I'm here to live for me now 

Im tired of the things you've said

Life is mine now.

Before I wrote of tears and pain 

Now of strength and glory

I will prevail above it all. 

I no longer linger in sorrow!

Now I know that no one really reads this but you're more than welcome to comment on any of the poetry, I just feel like it's time for me to venture out of my bubble and create who I want to become now.  Hope that ya'll have a terrific day!

*M*

Buckle down

So I just looked at my grades. I have 2 As and 2 Bs. If I'm smart I'll buckle down and get an A in every class. I just need to buckle down. Tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to write down every assignment I have for every class and figure out a schedule for homework.:-) I will make it this semester. I have to.

Uncertainty

Oh life be told that life be told that love is merely imaginary.
Then thus we must live in secrecy
And let our love flourish.
You keep me warm and happy inside.
Your smile lights my way
There is nothing imaginary about our masquerade.
We dance and sing our eyes give us away.
We are living breathing loving in our own way
Oh life be told that life be told that our love is amazing.

Who knows?

This is where life will being...I need sleep...I can't concentrate...I think bad decisions are going to be made here soon...along with some good ones too!

Life

It's been almost a year since I created this blog and I've yet to write in it because I've yet to find anything worthy of blogging.  Life right now is bland, and lifeless.  Alone and a failure, I suppose, is what I've become this year.  I found a song that explains what my year has been like.  I just don't know where to go from here right now.  I know the only way I can go is forward...but I don't know if I'm ready for ready.  I want him back.  I love him and I wish that I could make him realize that this is what I want.  I want him and I to be together.  I want us to always be together.  I want to mother his children and so forth.  I know that he is what I want, but he doesn't want me. I know this.  He tells me it will just take time for him to come around to the idea, but in the way he acts and the way he looks, I know he has no hope.  Yet, I let my self fall all over again.  I just feel like me being in this town is hindering me anymore.  He is all that I want here...nothing more.  If he tells me no, I've got to leave.  I can't stay here knowing that the only good things I ever wanted slipped through my finger tips.  Life has been thrown a curve ball and I can't tell which way is up anymore.  I guess the only way to figure it out is to let time play it's role in life....though time is a precious thing anymore.   

"Ashes And Wine"

Don't know what to do anymore
I've lost the only love worth fighting for
I'll drown in my tear storming sea,
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same
I don't want mudslinging games
It's such a shame
To let you walk away

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed
This day's spinning circus on a wheel
I'm ill with the thought of your kiss
Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out
I've got no claim on you now
Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away
That is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?
The day's still ashes and wine
Or are we ashes? 

In The Beginning...

Everything has to start somewhere and this is where I begin.  I've done blogging before but no one seemed to read it so it was more of a journal than a blog.  I have a feeling this one will be the same, but I don't really mind.  I am putting my life out there for anyone who cares to read about it.  I am as of today 23 years old.  I am dating a wonderful man named Travis and we have a bright future ahead of us.  I am enrolled at Ivy Tech Community College and I am going to try and achieve my associates in Philosophy.  After I achieve that I want to go back for my degree in History with a minor in Archeology and MesoAmerican cultures.  I have high hopes for myself and I pray that this blog keeps me sane through out my journeys.

Life right now is amazing. I honestly couldn't, and wouldn't, ask for a better one.  I have a family who loves me and would do anything for me and a boyfriend who is just amazing in every way.  I pray that this year goes better than the last.  In 2010 I got a divorce to a man that I had been married to for 3 years, but together for a total of 5.  It is definitely an interesting journey because I never thought it would end.  Yea we had our problems, but there was no way of fixing the ones that hurt us both to the point that we hated each other.  He and I are now divorced and friends.  There will be nothing more between him and I ever again, especially since I've found Travis. I am ecstatic to talk about him because I truly believe this man will be with me through much more than what my ex was. 

School just started a few weeks ago, so I can't really say yay or nay on it's progress.  Right now everything seems to be going awesome, but that can all change in a heart beat.  Until I really crack down and see that the homework isn't that bad then I will be able to assess the class situations.  This year will be different!

Another thing that I think is awesome about myself is that I want to lose weight.  The past few years has been me being a broken record saying that I'm going to lose it but I haven't yet.  I will use this as a bit of a progress checker saying randomly here or there how I'm doing.  My 2011 goal for weight loss is to lose 80 lbs.  That's a decent amount of weight for the year, but as long as I lose 8 lbs a month then I'll lose the 80 in 10 months.  I think that it's a good way to start off. 

Until I find more to write I bid you farewell!  Homework is beaconing  my name and telling me if I don't do it I'll be in trouble! 

Forever is never enough-
-M-